the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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