It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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