I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize