If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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