Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
