Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
