i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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