Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
