apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
