is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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