I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
