he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
