I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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