My room smells like vodka and shame
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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