She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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