I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
