How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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