There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
