I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I love having hate sex.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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