I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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