We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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