Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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