Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
She needs sedatives and a leash
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Randomize