sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
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