i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
