If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
