Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
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