Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
