My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
