When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
