I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
