i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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