im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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