I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
