i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
