Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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