So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My life is pants optional.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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