And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
