I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
