you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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