I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
