I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
