The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
