come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize