He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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