You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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