I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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