hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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