do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize