someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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