saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
