Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
