I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
