my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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