return my video game
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
