her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
