I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
