She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
