it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
