I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
