you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
