i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
