my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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