I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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