I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
