Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
