I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize