i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
