This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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