he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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