I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
