i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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