Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
